Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
