You're so nebulous sometimes
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
