My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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