You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
