I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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