Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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