Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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