what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
