Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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