Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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