I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
