Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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