yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
