Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
