It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
