I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
