I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
