i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I touched a dick in church today
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
