Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize