So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
