One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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