Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
