come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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