A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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