Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
