Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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