You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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