The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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