Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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