You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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