Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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