I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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