I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
