were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize