so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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