your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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