My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
