Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize