Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
