i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
