Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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