He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize