Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
