What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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