Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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