I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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