Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
