Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize