I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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