Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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