The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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