coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
