I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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