I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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