i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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