My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
