Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize