I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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