she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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