I'm jealous of your bromance
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
True strength comes from lack of pants
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
