TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize