my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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