Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
